These Uncles of Mine (Introducing the First Family)

Too often we lack the support system family provides, so we, being the innovative lot that we are, make up our own families. Abandoned by fathers, shunned by mothers, ostracized by siblings, too often we find ourselves on the outside of the conventional family unit.

This weekend, at a graduation barbecue, I realized the value of my extended family. Not only can they throw down in the kitchen, they keep the spirits high.

The first family consists of Fe Fe, Mallory, Kenny, Ray, White Lady, Timmy, Deanne, Douglas, Geri, and Lil Bit.

These men are, in many ways, my extended family. I have eight uncles (Fe Fe, Kenny, Ray, White Lady, Timmy, Gatsby, Deanne, and Mallory) and one first cousin (Douglas).

This family is large, granted, but they each teach some important lessons.

With numerous vices (the members of the first family are prone to overindulge- in drink, in food, in fashion, in pecs, and in sex), these men represent some of the best success stories I have encountered in same gender loving individuals. These uncles of mine read with the best of them, and drink like few others, but they are always there when a member of the family is in need. They are supportive and generous and truly irreplaceable.

The Isle of Enchantment? I think my dream is over!

What happens in Puerto Rico, stays in Puerto Rico (Unless you have a blog… then its public knowledge).

Beautiful, sunny San Juan. I spent five days and three nights in the isle of enchantment, and I can honestly say that the spell is broken. I don’t know what I expected from my experience, but I definitely did not find it. I learned many lessons from this experience, two of which I will share through forthcoming blogs recounting my San Juan trip, but the most valuable lesson I learned from this trip is that the circuit is not for me. Even though many of us will not admit it, we go to and fro, year after year, around the circuit, hoping for the ever elusive find. We search for the proverbial needle in the haystack, the one gold nugget in clay hills. We hope for the “mythical” trade, but soon realize that any old queen will do. Miami or San Juan for Memorial day, Chicago or LA for the fourth of July. Brooklyn in August and it all ends in Atlanta for Labor day. Our hunt spans the continental US, and in the end, we have exactly what we started with… our unfilled desires. Gay men search the globe for what our lives so desperately lack… love. And I realize, that for myself and many others, this is the case. We claim that we only want to get away and enjoy ourselves, but you can clearly see the longing in our eyes. We want what every other human being wants- a love to call our own.

Welcome to the Real World (And when I stand on these tables before you... You will know what this time was for)

"Welcome to the real world,"
She said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well, I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve."
-from John Mayer's song, No Such Thing

Graduation time. Last week, both Chris and Sean graduated from college. While Chris has already been introduced, Sean is a long time friend still in Alabama. When I speak of Sean, I will probably also speak about my cousin Monty and my friend RJ, even though RJ and I are not speaking. We fell out around MLK and have not spoken since, but I am sure this will pass.

It seems like just yesterday I graduated from UA and was off to conquer the world. Well, the world was not that conquerable.

I imagined myself a Carrie living in the city, searching for love, but still coming out on top, no matter what. I imagined myself a Mary Richards, doing it my way and making it after all.

Instead of Carrie and Mary, I’m a lot more like Dorothy and Roseanne Conner. Old, grumpy, and bitter, but still trying to make it. Yes, destined to fail, but still trying nonetheless.

Dorothy Zbornak was always dry and witty and funny, but loving and protective and responsible. Yes, sounds like me. Roseanne was always working against odds for her family and herself, but alas, like most American tragic heroes, she was doomed to fail. Her kids became bums and her husband had a heart attack, and she turned to both drugs and a lesbian kiss from Sandra Bernhardt (yuck). While I doubt that lesbian kisses are in my future, mediocrity seems to greet me every day. Alas, this is my life.

I thought that by 28 I would be happily settled, loving my job, financially stable, and living a life of prosperity and promise. Instead, I am single with closing options, a career choice I am constantly second guessing, and a bank account that looks like Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard. Yes, there are no bones out there for me.

Chris, with his bachelor’s in accountancy, and Sean, with a master’s in student affairs, should fare well out here in this real world. But again, we were all “Marys” and “Carries” at one point in time.

As They Slept The Night Away (Trapped in the Closet)

"Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
'cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company

He's more than a man
and this is more than love
the reason that this guy is blue
the clouds are rolling in
because I'm gone again
and to him I just can't be true..."

-Rihanna, from the song, Unfaithful

Parker. He has become a constant in my life. I don’t know the type of relationship we are cultivating, but I am enjoying the experience so far. Parker is not my lover, and according to him since he does not date men, he will not become my lover. He is, however, my friend with benefits. Speaking of Parker, he does not acknowledge that he’s gay. He’s bisexual and still sleeps with girls- fat, ugly girls with low self-esteem, but girls nonetheless. He also goes for girls with dark skin tones- typical for someone who is high-yellow. In the course of the two months we have been friends, he has slept with at least two other people. I have not slept with anyone else (and I have not really slept with him since he does not do penetration) but I have gone on three dates with Sam (but that’s a blog for another time).

A House Divided....

A House Divided…

Aaron and I are on the outs.

One would think that with just the two of us remaining in the house, we would be closer than ever, but alas, this is not the case.

I harbor anger and ill-feelings. I realize that I am petty and myopic in my view of Aaron. I realize that I am holding on to pains caused to me inadvertently by him, but in the end, I realize that I deserve to feel the way I do.

Aaron does not know me. For him to be one of my only friends, this realization truly hurts and causes me to introspectively survey myself and my life.

A few words about me: abrasive, presumptuous, contemptuous, judgmental. But with all of my flaws, I have a number of qualities that make me a great friend: generous, hardworking, honest, and loyal. Aaron cannot see my positive qualities. He sees only a portion of me and the portion he sees is not very nice.

Rewind: Sunday night, my living room. I am working on a paper for my graduate class in geriatrics and Double Dees is sitting on the couch eating chicken wings. Aaron enters the house with his boyfriend, Cali, and exclaims the expletive, shit. He proceeds to explain how he purchased cups and would not have had he known I bought them. Why do I have to buy all the cups when we all drink from them? This angers me, but I say nothing. Aaron puts up his groceries (things I will not, under any circumstances eat) and I ask if he is going to place them neatly in the fridge. This obviously angers him and he commences to berate me for being a general asshole. He says I think I know everything, that I think he’s incompetent, and a number of other things. This somehow turns into a shouting match. He marches upstairs and I close myself up like a book. This book, however, is staying shut.

Its true, I know! I do think I know it all (especially in regards to him) and yes, I don’t have faith in people and what they say. I don’t trust my friends (again, this applies to him) to have my back or to do what’s in my best interest. My feelings are based on my experiences and I do realize that maybe it’s too much to ask my friends to see me for more than my negatives.

So ultimately, fuck it. I am not going to do anything further to show Aaron, or many other people for that matter, who I am. Think what you will because I will keep on being me. There are things about me that I want to change and will work hard to change, but there are other things that I will not change because they are too important to him I am. So this house will stay divided and Aaron and I will stay on the outs. What are friends for any damn way.

Rewind- Of Wonder Walls and Know it Alls and One Beautiful Young Man (March 2007)

"And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall"

-Oasis, Wonderwall

The loves I’ve known and the lovers I’ve had… have not been nearly as many as I would have liked.

On average, I sleep with two men per year. At first, this pattern was not intentional. It was just the norm while in college. Unlike some guys, I keep track. I care about how I feel about myself. Well, I once did. The two guys per year was cute when I was cute… younger and thinner and cuter. And while twenty-six is in no ways old in the real world where men sleep with women, it is definitely approaching middle age in the gay world where ex and coke keeps off the weight and cocktail after cocktail adds on the fun.

As gay men, the loud life of quite desperation (ah, Thoreau, old friend) is common. Often, we search and search. Our search for someone takes us from man to man, bed to bed, and orgasm to orgasm. We get to a point, where we realize as I have, that we are a mess and that maybe love is beyond us. That maybe we had our chance and it passed us by.

But then, out of nowhere, someone comes along. And everything changes.

I meet Parker at the Kroger on Moreland. He was cute and intelligent and nineteen. Surely nothing could come of that save for one great orgasm. Right? Right. Right?

Rewind- How Many Times Must I say Goodbye (March 2007)

Joseph. Joey. Joe. Best friend, ex-lover, roommate. It is hard to describe him accurately. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. He could be a model if he could focus on one thing. He was in a porn film, so I guess that kind of represents a focus on something. I love Joe and I hope that he remains in my life, but as this month came to an end, I made a decision that he could no longer remain in my home.

From inconsistencies with rent and lovers, cars and jobs, I decided that whatever is going on in his life could prove detrimental to me.

Self-destructive people will destroy not only themselves, but those around them also.

No only did Joe leave, but Chris is also gone. His internship has come to an end and he returned to Alabama. He has a semester left and will return in August. But until then, its just me and Aaron.