I'm justing wondering why (Meticulous Musings)

I'm just wondering why (Meticulous Musings)

1. Why does Double Dees have three consistent things in his bedroom: condoms, lube, and Doritos?

2. Why did Uncle Fe Fe get a rash on his arm after sleeping with David (I am not saying there is a connection, but hey…)

3. Why does 50 Cent look 50 years old on the most recent cover of VIBE magazine?

4. Why did Norton and Ralph, the whale sharks in the Georgia Aquarium, die (I asked Douglas this question and he replied it was the black people. When I asked him what he meant, he said the black employees there poured hot sauce and season salt in the water).

If Only You Knew...

I spoke to my cousin Monty yesterday and he told me had broken things off with his boyfriend. Well, at least they made it three months. I was saddened to hear the news and with good reason.

Oh, how I recall my good, old, bygone college days. I graduated from a small, rural high school in Alabama just ten years ago. I loved the University of Alabama. From the boys on the yard to the boys on the field, boys were one thing that Alabama did not have in short supply.

Thick, cornbread-fed country boys are truly just about the best kind of man one can find. The only thing better is a thick, cornbread-fed county boy is a thick, cornbread fed county boy with a switch.

While in college, we all knew of frat boys who got down and all heard of athletes who did. I was never approached by an athlete. It was common knowledge that they kept their gay shenanigans to themselves.

Well, Monty, now a graduate student at the University of Kentucky, found the elusive, mythical trade we all dream about. Mr. Heisman was indeed Mr. He is Man! A quarterback with a body out of this world, Mr. Heisman was really into Monty. Monty saw him on campus and hit him up on facebook. They started talking and eventually a relationship developed. Well, unfortunately, this past weekend, Monty called off the relationship because he felt that Mr. Heisman was not as into him as he was into Mr. Heisman. Poor, child. If only I would have known at 24 what I now know at 28!

I wish I would have known then that you don’t let go of a good thing! Period.

I wish I would have known then that the small things don’t matter. It does not matter if he calls you every day or texts you back immediately. It doesn’t matter if he tells you he loves when I first feel that you love him. What matters is the time you spend with him. Not the quantity, but the quality.

I wish I would have known then that all things work out in time. No one knows what a man is feeling but that man. It is truly pointless to speculate about someone else’s feelings or to over think some else’s actions. What matters is not what he is feeling, but what you are feeling. If it feels right and if it feels good, hold on and make the best of what you have.

We all have to learn our own lessons to learn and hopefully Monty will come to learn his lessons in time.

Taking What we Can Get…

Parker has made it perfectly clear that he cannot see a relationship with me. But does it really matter what he says, or does it matter more about what he does? His actions tell me he cares deeply. He calls, he texts, he appreciates. But he constantly says he does not want anything more than a friendship.

Now, I am a wise old bird, so I am not locking myself into anything. I am not beating myself up about what Parker may or may not feel. I like him and I enjoy spending time with him.

But on last Sunday, I met Olsen and everything was thrown into the air.

Just as I was resigned to accept that in my life, a hot sexual affair with a twenty one year old that carried no stability and no commitment was the best I could do, I met Olsen. A twenty four year old Scorpio, Olsen seems relationship oriented. He’s a spiritualist. He does not believe in organized religion and he lives by the law of the universe. I am intrigued, to say the least.

I care greatly for Parker. I have come to enjoy his company a great deal. But I know that it will come to a point where I am going to need more than what a friend can offer.

These Uncles of Mine (Introducing the First Family)

Too often we lack the support system family provides, so we, being the innovative lot that we are, make up our own families. Abandoned by fathers, shunned by mothers, ostracized by siblings, too often we find ourselves on the outside of the conventional family unit.

This weekend, at a graduation barbecue, I realized the value of my extended family. Not only can they throw down in the kitchen, they keep the spirits high.

The first family consists of Fe Fe, Mallory, Kenny, Ray, White Lady, Timmy, Deanne, Douglas, Geri, and Lil Bit.

These men are, in many ways, my extended family. I have eight uncles (Fe Fe, Kenny, Ray, White Lady, Timmy, Gatsby, Deanne, and Mallory) and one first cousin (Douglas).

This family is large, granted, but they each teach some important lessons.

With numerous vices (the members of the first family are prone to overindulge- in drink, in food, in fashion, in pecs, and in sex), these men represent some of the best success stories I have encountered in same gender loving individuals. These uncles of mine read with the best of them, and drink like few others, but they are always there when a member of the family is in need. They are supportive and generous and truly irreplaceable.

The Isle of Enchantment? I think my dream is over!

What happens in Puerto Rico, stays in Puerto Rico (Unless you have a blog… then its public knowledge).

Beautiful, sunny San Juan. I spent five days and three nights in the isle of enchantment, and I can honestly say that the spell is broken. I don’t know what I expected from my experience, but I definitely did not find it. I learned many lessons from this experience, two of which I will share through forthcoming blogs recounting my San Juan trip, but the most valuable lesson I learned from this trip is that the circuit is not for me. Even though many of us will not admit it, we go to and fro, year after year, around the circuit, hoping for the ever elusive find. We search for the proverbial needle in the haystack, the one gold nugget in clay hills. We hope for the “mythical” trade, but soon realize that any old queen will do. Miami or San Juan for Memorial day, Chicago or LA for the fourth of July. Brooklyn in August and it all ends in Atlanta for Labor day. Our hunt spans the continental US, and in the end, we have exactly what we started with… our unfilled desires. Gay men search the globe for what our lives so desperately lack… love. And I realize, that for myself and many others, this is the case. We claim that we only want to get away and enjoy ourselves, but you can clearly see the longing in our eyes. We want what every other human being wants- a love to call our own.

Welcome to the Real World (And when I stand on these tables before you... You will know what this time was for)

"Welcome to the real world,"
She said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well, I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve."
-from John Mayer's song, No Such Thing

Graduation time. Last week, both Chris and Sean graduated from college. While Chris has already been introduced, Sean is a long time friend still in Alabama. When I speak of Sean, I will probably also speak about my cousin Monty and my friend RJ, even though RJ and I are not speaking. We fell out around MLK and have not spoken since, but I am sure this will pass.

It seems like just yesterday I graduated from UA and was off to conquer the world. Well, the world was not that conquerable.

I imagined myself a Carrie living in the city, searching for love, but still coming out on top, no matter what. I imagined myself a Mary Richards, doing it my way and making it after all.

Instead of Carrie and Mary, I’m a lot more like Dorothy and Roseanne Conner. Old, grumpy, and bitter, but still trying to make it. Yes, destined to fail, but still trying nonetheless.

Dorothy Zbornak was always dry and witty and funny, but loving and protective and responsible. Yes, sounds like me. Roseanne was always working against odds for her family and herself, but alas, like most American tragic heroes, she was doomed to fail. Her kids became bums and her husband had a heart attack, and she turned to both drugs and a lesbian kiss from Sandra Bernhardt (yuck). While I doubt that lesbian kisses are in my future, mediocrity seems to greet me every day. Alas, this is my life.

I thought that by 28 I would be happily settled, loving my job, financially stable, and living a life of prosperity and promise. Instead, I am single with closing options, a career choice I am constantly second guessing, and a bank account that looks like Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard. Yes, there are no bones out there for me.

Chris, with his bachelor’s in accountancy, and Sean, with a master’s in student affairs, should fare well out here in this real world. But again, we were all “Marys” and “Carries” at one point in time.

As They Slept The Night Away (Trapped in the Closet)

"Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
'cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company

He's more than a man
and this is more than love
the reason that this guy is blue
the clouds are rolling in
because I'm gone again
and to him I just can't be true..."

-Rihanna, from the song, Unfaithful

Parker. He has become a constant in my life. I don’t know the type of relationship we are cultivating, but I am enjoying the experience so far. Parker is not my lover, and according to him since he does not date men, he will not become my lover. He is, however, my friend with benefits. Speaking of Parker, he does not acknowledge that he’s gay. He’s bisexual and still sleeps with girls- fat, ugly girls with low self-esteem, but girls nonetheless. He also goes for girls with dark skin tones- typical for someone who is high-yellow. In the course of the two months we have been friends, he has slept with at least two other people. I have not slept with anyone else (and I have not really slept with him since he does not do penetration) but I have gone on three dates with Sam (but that’s a blog for another time).