Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A House Divided....

A House Divided…

Aaron and I are on the outs.

One would think that with just the two of us remaining in the house, we would be closer than ever, but alas, this is not the case.

I harbor anger and ill-feelings. I realize that I am petty and myopic in my view of Aaron. I realize that I am holding on to pains caused to me inadvertently by him, but in the end, I realize that I deserve to feel the way I do.

Aaron does not know me. For him to be one of my only friends, this realization truly hurts and causes me to introspectively survey myself and my life.

A few words about me: abrasive, presumptuous, contemptuous, judgmental. But with all of my flaws, I have a number of qualities that make me a great friend: generous, hardworking, honest, and loyal. Aaron cannot see my positive qualities. He sees only a portion of me and the portion he sees is not very nice.

Rewind: Sunday night, my living room. I am working on a paper for my graduate class in geriatrics and Double Dees is sitting on the couch eating chicken wings. Aaron enters the house with his boyfriend, Cali, and exclaims the expletive, shit. He proceeds to explain how he purchased cups and would not have had he known I bought them. Why do I have to buy all the cups when we all drink from them? This angers me, but I say nothing. Aaron puts up his groceries (things I will not, under any circumstances eat) and I ask if he is going to place them neatly in the fridge. This obviously angers him and he commences to berate me for being a general asshole. He says I think I know everything, that I think he’s incompetent, and a number of other things. This somehow turns into a shouting match. He marches upstairs and I close myself up like a book. This book, however, is staying shut.

Its true, I know! I do think I know it all (especially in regards to him) and yes, I don’t have faith in people and what they say. I don’t trust my friends (again, this applies to him) to have my back or to do what’s in my best interest. My feelings are based on my experiences and I do realize that maybe it’s too much to ask my friends to see me for more than my negatives.

So ultimately, fuck it. I am not going to do anything further to show Aaron, or many other people for that matter, who I am. Think what you will because I will keep on being me. There are things about me that I want to change and will work hard to change, but there are other things that I will not change because they are too important to him I am. So this house will stay divided and Aaron and I will stay on the outs. What are friends for any damn way.

1 comment:

That Dude Right There said...

I feel the same way that you do about trusting people. On the other hand, I feel differently about my friends. I believe that friends are a very important part of any Gay Black Man's life. Many of us aren't that close to family, so our friends become our extended family.