A House Divided....

A House Divided…

Aaron and I are on the outs.

One would think that with just the two of us remaining in the house, we would be closer than ever, but alas, this is not the case.

I harbor anger and ill-feelings. I realize that I am petty and myopic in my view of Aaron. I realize that I am holding on to pains caused to me inadvertently by him, but in the end, I realize that I deserve to feel the way I do.

Aaron does not know me. For him to be one of my only friends, this realization truly hurts and causes me to introspectively survey myself and my life.

A few words about me: abrasive, presumptuous, contemptuous, judgmental. But with all of my flaws, I have a number of qualities that make me a great friend: generous, hardworking, honest, and loyal. Aaron cannot see my positive qualities. He sees only a portion of me and the portion he sees is not very nice.

Rewind: Sunday night, my living room. I am working on a paper for my graduate class in geriatrics and Double Dees is sitting on the couch eating chicken wings. Aaron enters the house with his boyfriend, Cali, and exclaims the expletive, shit. He proceeds to explain how he purchased cups and would not have had he known I bought them. Why do I have to buy all the cups when we all drink from them? This angers me, but I say nothing. Aaron puts up his groceries (things I will not, under any circumstances eat) and I ask if he is going to place them neatly in the fridge. This obviously angers him and he commences to berate me for being a general asshole. He says I think I know everything, that I think he’s incompetent, and a number of other things. This somehow turns into a shouting match. He marches upstairs and I close myself up like a book. This book, however, is staying shut.

Its true, I know! I do think I know it all (especially in regards to him) and yes, I don’t have faith in people and what they say. I don’t trust my friends (again, this applies to him) to have my back or to do what’s in my best interest. My feelings are based on my experiences and I do realize that maybe it’s too much to ask my friends to see me for more than my negatives.

So ultimately, fuck it. I am not going to do anything further to show Aaron, or many other people for that matter, who I am. Think what you will because I will keep on being me. There are things about me that I want to change and will work hard to change, but there are other things that I will not change because they are too important to him I am. So this house will stay divided and Aaron and I will stay on the outs. What are friends for any damn way.

Rewind- Of Wonder Walls and Know it Alls and One Beautiful Young Man (March 2007)

"And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall"

-Oasis, Wonderwall

The loves I’ve known and the lovers I’ve had… have not been nearly as many as I would have liked.

On average, I sleep with two men per year. At first, this pattern was not intentional. It was just the norm while in college. Unlike some guys, I keep track. I care about how I feel about myself. Well, I once did. The two guys per year was cute when I was cute… younger and thinner and cuter. And while twenty-six is in no ways old in the real world where men sleep with women, it is definitely approaching middle age in the gay world where ex and coke keeps off the weight and cocktail after cocktail adds on the fun.

As gay men, the loud life of quite desperation (ah, Thoreau, old friend) is common. Often, we search and search. Our search for someone takes us from man to man, bed to bed, and orgasm to orgasm. We get to a point, where we realize as I have, that we are a mess and that maybe love is beyond us. That maybe we had our chance and it passed us by.

But then, out of nowhere, someone comes along. And everything changes.

I meet Parker at the Kroger on Moreland. He was cute and intelligent and nineteen. Surely nothing could come of that save for one great orgasm. Right? Right. Right?

Rewind- How Many Times Must I say Goodbye (March 2007)

Joseph. Joey. Joe. Best friend, ex-lover, roommate. It is hard to describe him accurately. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. He could be a model if he could focus on one thing. He was in a porn film, so I guess that kind of represents a focus on something. I love Joe and I hope that he remains in my life, but as this month came to an end, I made a decision that he could no longer remain in my home.

From inconsistencies with rent and lovers, cars and jobs, I decided that whatever is going on in his life could prove detrimental to me.

Self-destructive people will destroy not only themselves, but those around them also.

No only did Joe leave, but Chris is also gone. His internship has come to an end and he returned to Alabama. He has a semester left and will return in August. But until then, its just me and Aaron.