Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Beautiful, sunny San Juan. I spent five days and three nights in the isle of enchantment, and I can honestly say that the spell is broken. I don’t know what I expected from my experience, but I definitely did not find it. I learned many lessons from this experience, two of which I will share through forthcoming blogs recounting my San Juan trip, but the most valuable lesson I learned from this trip is that the circuit is not for me. Even though many of us will not admit it, we go to and fro, year after year, around the circuit, hoping for the ever elusive find. We search for the proverbial needle in the haystack, the one gold nugget in clay hills. We hope for the “mythical” trade, but soon realize that any old queen will do. Miami or San Juan for Memorial day, Chicago or LA for the fourth of July. Brooklyn in August and it all ends in Atlanta for Labor day. Our hunt spans the continental US, and in the end, we have exactly what we started with… our unfilled desires. Gay men search the globe for what our lives so desperately lack… love. And I realize, that for myself and many others, this is the case. We claim that we only want to get away and enjoy ourselves, but you can clearly see the longing in our eyes. We want what every other human being wants- a love to call our own.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Welcome to the Real World (And when I stand on these tables before you... You will know what this time was for)
She said to me
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well, I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve."
-from John Mayer's song, No Such Thing
Graduation time. Last week, both Chris and Sean graduated from college. While Chris has already been introduced, Sean is a long time friend still in Alabama. When I speak of Sean, I will probably also speak about my cousin Monty and my friend RJ, even though RJ and I are not speaking. We fell out around MLK and have not spoken since, but I am sure this will pass.
It seems like just yesterday I graduated from UA and was off to conquer the world. Well, the world was not that conquerable.
I imagined myself a Carrie living in the city, searching for love, but still coming out on top, no matter what. I imagined myself a Mary Richards, doing it my way and making it after all.
Instead of Carrie and Mary, I’m a lot more like Dorothy and Roseanne Conner. Old, grumpy, and bitter, but still trying to make it. Yes, destined to fail, but still trying nonetheless.
Dorothy Zbornak was always dry and witty and funny, but loving and protective and responsible. Yes, sounds like me. Roseanne was always working against odds for her family and herself, but alas, like most American tragic heroes, she was doomed to fail. Her kids became bums and her husband had a heart attack, and she turned to both drugs and a lesbian kiss from Sandra Bernhardt (yuck). While I doubt that lesbian kisses are in my future, mediocrity seems to greet me every day. Alas, this is my life.
I thought that by 28 I would be happily settled, loving my job, financially stable, and living a life of prosperity and promise. Instead, I am single with closing options, a career choice I am constantly second guessing, and a bank account that looks like Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard. Yes, there are no bones out there for me.
Chris, with his bachelor’s in accountancy, and Sean, with a master’s in student affairs, should fare well out here in this real world. But again, we were all “Marys” and “Carries” at one point in time.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
"Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
'cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company
He's more than a man
and this is more than love
the reason that this guy is blue
the clouds are rolling in
because I'm gone again
and to him I just can't be true..."
-Rihanna, from the song, Unfaithful
Parker. He has become a constant in my life. I don’t know the type of relationship we are cultivating, but I am enjoying the experience so far. Parker is not my lover, and according to him since he does not date men, he will not become my lover. He is, however, my friend with benefits. Speaking of Parker, he does not acknowledge that he’s gay. He’s bisexual and still sleeps with girls- fat, ugly girls with low self-esteem, but girls nonetheless. He also goes for girls with dark skin tones- typical for someone who is high-yellow. In the course of the two months we have been friends, he has slept with at least two other people. I have not slept with anyone else (and I have not really slept with him since he does not do penetration) but I have gone on three dates with Sam (but that’s a blog for another time).