Thursday, June 21, 2007

The Love of My Life- An Ideal Relationship

Today marked what would have been my third anniversary with the bonafide love of my life. Yes, I know I have yet to introduce Tim, and that is with good reason.

Words that come to mind: amazing, strong, caring, sexy chocolate drop- Yes, this is what I think when I think of the man I shared 18 of the best months of my life with.

Tim came into my life when I needed him the most. It was June of 2004. I had just purchased my house and was wondering how my life was going to come together. It felt like my career was advancing, my personal goals were being achieved, but the one thing I craved the most (true love) was missing. I actually recall praying for the right PERSON to come and provide me with the love I felt I was constantly giving but never receiving, and then, I met Tim.

I thought this was a match made in heaven (and I guess, to some degree, I still do). He was a cancer, I was a scorpio. I just thought we would make forever. I just guess I was wrong.

Like others before me, I realize now that I knew how to love but I had no idea how to be loved. A product of dysfunction and drama (thanks, Ma) I had no idea how to sustain a loving and productive relationship. Without even knowing it, I was engaging in self-destructive and unhealthy habits that caused a vibrant and healthy relationship to falter.

When you imagine the love of your life, you imagine the good times. The baths together, complete with wine and candles; the birthday, Christmas, and anniversary gifts; the weekend trips, Wednesday night television and Monday night suppers. What you do not imagine is the unemployment, career changes, the needs of family, the opinions of friends. The love of your life is ideal when it is just that- an idea. Things become a little more complicated when the ideal becomes real and you only have one chance to make it work. I guess I fucked up my chance.

I spent a lot of time after my relationship with Tim ended trying to get him back, but alas, it was to no avail. He had moved on before we even broke up and I finally did the same. Still, I cannot help but look back and wonder “What if?” Still, I raise my glass and say to him, wherever he may be, “Happy Anniversary, Smurfy! You will always be in my heart!”

7 comments:

Kensilo said...

Wow...

We always love the "idea" of love but when it becomes reality we never thought about love in "reality" so to speak. I love my man with all the ups and downs that life takes us through. Relationships are never easy its takes both sides to make it work. A lot of giving and a lot of caring. For me I cherish the up and downs of our relationship ( death of friend, job changes, sometimes lack of money)as well as the good times. I can look back on those not so good incidents and appreciate it knowing that we are still together growing and loving. I am sorry that things did not work out for u too but there will be a new love for you again. Great post! :-)

life said...

Finding the balance between our ideals and our reality is so tough...LORD!

D-Place said...

Very descriptive of a love that never ends. Just know it will never be what you thought it was again. Move on remember the good times and know that you will have more good times as long as you enjoy the moments.

BronzeBuckaroo said...

You have learned something about yourself, something you are able to look out for and deal with and overcome in your next relationship. If you don't mind me saying, God and Jesus don't close one door without opening another. So chin up and don't give up because in some certain time that special brohter will come along and all the pieces will fall into the right places for you.

Mr. Jones said...

Good post. I feel your pain. Glad you finally moved on. I can't say Ive done the same with my ex. It's a process and I'm getting there.

ponoono said...

find something and someone else to expend your valuable time on this planet on

ReddMann said...

i felt this one.