Today marked what would have been my third anniversary with the bonafide love of my life. Yes, I know I have yet to introduce Tim, and that is with good reason.
Words that come to mind: amazing, strong, caring, sexy chocolate drop- Yes, this is what I think when I think of the man I shared 18 of the best months of my life with.
Tim came into my life when I needed him the most. It was June of 2004. I had just purchased my house and was wondering how my life was going to come together. It felt like my career was advancing, my personal goals were being achieved, but the one thing I craved the most (true love) was missing. I actually recall praying for the right PERSON to come and provide me with the love I felt I was constantly giving but never receiving, and then, I met Tim.
I thought this was a match made in heaven (and I guess, to some degree, I still do). He was a cancer, I was a scorpio. I just thought we would make forever. I just guess I was wrong.
Like others before me, I realize now that I knew how to love but I had no idea how to be loved. A product of dysfunction and drama (thanks, Ma) I had no idea how to sustain a loving and productive relationship. Without even knowing it, I was engaging in self-destructive and unhealthy habits that caused a vibrant and healthy relationship to falter.
When you imagine the love of your life, you imagine the good times. The baths together, complete with wine and candles; the birthday, Christmas, and anniversary gifts; the weekend trips, Wednesday night television and Monday night suppers. What you do not imagine is the unemployment, career changes, the needs of family, the opinions of friends. The love of your life is ideal when it is just that- an idea. Things become a little more complicated when the ideal becomes real and you only have one chance to make it work. I guess I fucked up my chance.
I spent a lot of time after my relationship with Tim ended trying to get him back, but alas, it was to no avail. He had moved on before we even broke up and I finally did the same. Still, I cannot help but look back and wonder “What if?” Still, I raise my glass and say to him, wherever he may be, “Happy Anniversary, Smurfy! You will always be in my heart!”