Tuesday, September 16, 2008

You will always be my first love...


I think I should have started this many posts ago. Before any reader can understand my love for Parker, a study into the past is needed. And for me, love starts with Michael.

The first time I saw Michael, I was in the tenth grade, and he was in the seventh. I noticed him in the hallways and we held each other’s gaze. I smiled at him and he smiled back.

When he was in eighth grade, I knew who he was. He was Nona’s little brother, a wanna-be thug, running with an older crowd, a bad crowd. He was in and out of trouble, in and out of school. It was when he was in ninth and I was a senior that we had our first conversation. He was in chorus, a first tenor. He sat in the last chair. I was in chorus, a second tenor and I sat in the first chair. We sat close. Sometimes, too close. I knew that the same fires that burned in me burned in him. I chose to ignore the heat. He decided to touch it.

I was an athlete in high school. I played football and ran track. It was after football practice that I realized he was also in JROTC. He was my friend’s Nona’s little brother and he needed a ride home.

From that ride, we started hanging out. When the seniors went to the haunted house for Halloween, he was there. When I had my eighteenth birthday party, he was there. And when I –

Michael wanted me. I was what he desired. He had planned this pursuit. I was his prey and he was the answer to my prayers.

The first time we kissed, I melted into his mouth. The first time I shd, he melted into mine.

In many ways, in a short period of time, he became the biggest part of my day. I thought of him constantly and I tried to live in the memory of his lips against my skin- my lips, my neck, my back.

We engaged each other for four months before he told me that “this” was not what he wanted. He told me that he never wanted to kiss me again. And he didn’t. After four months, we stopped cold-turkey.

Today, he’s a married youth minister with two children.
--

When Michael told me he did not want “this,” I understood. I did not want “this” either. I wanted to be normal. I had tried to be normal my entire life. I tried out for the football team so I could be seen as a normal boy. I kept quite in most classes because I realized that the other students, and sometimes the teacher, did not understand what I was trying to say.

It was when he told me told me he did not want “this,” that I was forced to question if I wanted this. Suddenly, the burning that had made me different could be extinguished, or at least placed under a bush, and I had to decide if this was something that I wanted to do.

I thought, at eighteen, about the wedding I would never have and the children I would never rear and the family that would never understand and I realized that I did want this. That not only did I want this, but that this was a part of me.

Suddenly, this became an epiphany. There were no tears or pained realization that this was the course my life had taken.

This was something I wanted and finally had.

Today, there are no triangles, rainbows, or loud declarations. Only a self that is actualized and a mind that is finally free. This is a part of me, but not all of me, or even the biggest thing in my life. I am a Christian and black and educated and a lover and a brother and a son and a friend and a teacher and so many other things make up who I am and who I will be.

23 comments:

Q said...

Wow, I hear you! I had the same thing happen to me. One year relationship--now he's married with 2 kids. He just told me that he couldn't "be gay" anymore. Ok?

Corey Keith said...

I don't think its okay at all... I wrote this Sunday, but the oddest thing is that Michael called me tonight and we caught up on some things... Amazing how life converges...

Darius T. Williams said...

Hmmm - life experiences do have a way of making us think through a lot of stuff very intently.

Great writing.

Voice of Reason said...

WOW...My first love had a child and married and divorced. He still does not know if "THIS" is what he wants. He is happier and free with he is with "THIS" environment. I do not like him when he wants to portray "THAT". I loved the blog, I really felt it.

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

A lil of this, a smidgeon of that eh...? Interesting enough I've never had a 'Michael'... Just a bunch of Mark's with bad marks on their record. Be grateful for your Michael for he's brought forth the strong brotha we all know today.

~Damnit!

Crazy Diamond said...

Amazing post, and a great testimony! Now I'm curious about the conversation with Michael :) I had teenage relationships with guys who now live a heterosexual life, and I generally give them the benefit of the doubt that they were experimenting. I hope you're doing well and are content.

life said...

This post touch me on a few levels. Reading you guys is like a breathe of fresh air.

One Man’s Opinion said...

Wonderful writing. I felt as if I lived the experience with you and that is saying a lot.

thegayte-keeper said...

WOW, THIS WAS LOVELY...

Acoustic Soul said...

Very well written blog posting Corey Keith.

I cannot say I've had the same experiences, but reading this, I put myself in your shoes. I'm glad you evloved and realized the man you are, and the man you are yet to become!

JACK said...

How funny is it that I finally decided to comment on your blog and two things were crossing my mind. 1) This was well written 2) It as a lovely experience. And other readers have commented those sentiments already. I think it says a lot about how great this post is. I remember when my first told me that he wasn't sure if this is what he wanted - it freaked me out and I ended it right there. We got back together, though - only for it to end eventually. Those words are the hardest ones to hear I think.

Thaddeus L. Works. said...

Damn, That was deep. Took me back to my high school days. I was in love with my daughter's Mother brother...I went through her to get him but then a baby popped up.

Chet said...

Young Hearts run free! Corey Keith what were doing giving attention to Michael when he was in eighth grade? Damn now yall started out young then again I guess I had male friends that I was attracted to in the eighth, but just I have no clue now I certainly didn't know my sexual preference way back in the day, but I did enjoy the company of males just as I do today.
I know that breaking up is a painful thing especially since you can still envision your first kiss, hell I can't even remember my first Boi kiss , yes it was Glendon after pratice all in the name of fighting.

Your heart will heal. Hold steady!

That Dude Right There said...

Damn!!! That was some good writing!!!

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