Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thank you for being a friend
Traveled down the road and back again
Your heart is true your a pal and a confidant.
And if you through a party
Invited everyone you ever knew
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.
-words by Andrew Gold
Double Dees has been my best friend since 2003. We meet back in 1999 through an old friend named Wayne while we were in undergrad. Double Dees moved to Atlanta a year after I did. I invited him to my 25th birthday party and after the party, we started hanging tight. Many people have rotated in and out of my life in the last five years (seven roommates, four boyfriends, countless acquaintances) but through it all, Double Dees has been a constant stay.
We fight about small things, just like an old married couple, but I know he knows me and understands me. He accepts me, flaws and all and I love him for that. His love is unconditional… Let me give you an example.
Background: Double Dees and Parker are not friends.
This Saturday, Chris (my old roommate, see first entry) had a party for his best friend in Roswell (45 minutes from my house). Parker and I, along with Double Dees and Seddy were going. Parker and I drove to Double Dees. When we got in his car, Double Dees’ seat was too far back on Parker and he had a generally rude attitude. I got an attitude back (do you know any Scorpios? If so, you know how emotive we can be…), said some things I truly regret, and got out of his car. Needless to say, we did not go to the party together.
Parker and I made the trip to Roswell sans Double Dees and Sed. I had a classic “Corey Moment” as Double Dees called it, where I overreacted and made an as@ of myself.
Well, after being at the party for twenty minutes, I go to my car, and it does not start. Parker is drunk and I am tipsy and my car fails to start. I ask Chris to borrow his car and he agrees but he wants me to bring the car back. Parker cannot drive me back (he’s drunk) so I call Uncle Mallory (who does not answer) and Thirsty (who has no gas due to the ATL gas shortage- he has a BMW and there is NO premium gas in the city) and realize that there is only one person I can count on to help me in such a bind and he’s the person I have always counted on to go with me places no one wants to go or give me money when I failed to manage my funds or to just make me laugh when my mess of a life is falling apart… Double Dees.
I know that he has to be at work at 9 the next morning and it is 2 in the morning. I KNOW I would not have answered my phone. But amazingly, he does. He answers, asks no questions, and agrees to trail me back to Roswell (45 minutes away) and to bring me home.
I was in tears the entire way to his house. Double Dees is the person I have taken for granted the most, who has done the most for me, and who has done for me what I probably would not have done for him and I was humbled beyond belief. Again, I am learning more about myself at this time in my life than I ever imagined.
And the car… I’ll update you on that soon…
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
You broke records and I am sure that when you return to the ballroom scene, the kids will live for you. See you at the next Atlanta pride, doll.
P.S. You should have whipped out your dick and told Ms. Tyra to suck it!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I think I should have started this many posts ago. Before any reader can understand my love for Parker, a study into the past is needed. And for me, love starts with Michael.
The first time I saw Michael, I was in the tenth grade, and he was in the seventh. I noticed him in the hallways and we held each other’s gaze. I smiled at him and he smiled back.
When he was in eighth grade, I knew who he was. He was Nona’s little brother, a wanna-be thug, running with an older crowd, a bad crowd. He was in and out of trouble, in and out of school. It was when he was in ninth and I was a senior that we had our first conversation. He was in chorus, a first tenor. He sat in the last chair. I was in chorus, a second tenor and I sat in the first chair. We sat close. Sometimes, too close. I knew that the same fires that burned in me burned in him. I chose to ignore the heat. He decided to touch it.
I was an athlete in high school. I played football and ran track. It was after football practice that I realized he was also in JROTC. He was my friend’s Nona’s little brother and he needed a ride home.
From that ride, we started hanging out. When the seniors went to the haunted house for Halloween, he was there. When I had my eighteenth birthday party, he was there. And when I –
Michael wanted me. I was what he desired. He had planned this pursuit. I was his prey and he was the answer to my prayers.
The first time we kissed, I melted into his mouth. The first time I shd, he melted into mine.
In many ways, in a short period of time, he became the biggest part of my day. I thought of him constantly and I tried to live in the memory of his lips against my skin- my lips, my neck, my back.
We engaged each other for four months before he told me that “this” was not what he wanted. He told me that he never wanted to kiss me again. And he didn’t. After four months, we stopped cold-turkey.
Today, he’s a married youth minister with two children.
When Michael told me he did not want “this,” I understood. I did not want “this” either. I wanted to be normal. I had tried to be normal my entire life. I tried out for the football team so I could be seen as a normal boy. I kept quite in most classes because I realized that the other students, and sometimes the teacher, did not understand what I was trying to say.
It was when he told me told me he did not want “this,” that I was forced to question if I wanted this. Suddenly, the burning that had made me different could be extinguished, or at least placed under a bush, and I had to decide if this was something that I wanted to do.
I thought, at eighteen, about the wedding I would never have and the children I would never rear and the family that would never understand and I realized that I did want this. That not only did I want this, but that this was a part of me.
Suddenly, this became an epiphany. There were no tears or pained realization that this was the course my life had taken.
This was something I wanted and finally had.
Today, there are no triangles, rainbows, or loud declarations. Only a self that is actualized and a mind that is finally free. This is a part of me, but not all of me, or even the biggest thing in my life. I am a Christian and black and educated and a lover and a brother and a son and a friend and a teacher and so many other things make up who I am and who I will be.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Parker and I are separated. It’s been two weeks since we came to the mutual decision to take some time apart and decide what we wanted to do about our relationship. And it has been two weeks of my being in denial about the situation.
I have not blogged about our “break-up” because I have been unwilling to accept that we have broken up. But we have. And accepting this has not been easy.
Today I went to church. I woke up and texted Fe Fe to see if he was going and when he did not reply, I went back to sleep. But I could not stay sleep. I knew that there was a message I needed to hear. And did I get an earful.
I am assuming Pastor Meredith saw Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys over the weekend because his message was “And This Too Shall Pass” and he repeated the line… “Is that so…” Change happens in all of our lives and we have to accept it.
I am not good with change. I have never been. Usually when things change, when people leave or hurt me, I simply move forward. I go on as though it is not my fault that I have just lost another relationship, be it friend or lover. While everything around me may be different, I am always the same. But now I realize something that I have never realized before. I need to change. I need to change a lot of things about the person I am if I truly want a relationship to work and if I truly want to be happy…
And before I can change me, I have to accept me. And before I can work on the present, I have to accept the past. I guess I need to start at the beginning…
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Douglas's party was OVAH the top and awesome. The food was great, the drinks were wonderful, the cake was fabulous, and most importantly, the crowd was cute. I really had a great time on Saturday... so much so that I didn't fully recover until today. Today is his actual birthday so let me tell you a little bit about Douglas…
1. He's handsome.
2. He's saditty.
3. He's intelligent.
4. He's fashionable.
5. He's my brotha… and I love him dearly.
Happy birthday, baby! (I am posting your picture on this blog, girl…hope its no tea…
Friday, September 5, 2008
They Tranquilized My Sister…
Double Dees is my best friend and he recently had appendicitis. While he is fine now, after a successful surgery, I came to a serious realization.
While Double Dees was in the hospital, recovering, I had no idea who to contact in the event that something more serious would have happened.
As same gender loving black men, we rarely share our family information. It is imperative that we know our friends and that we know their family (at least their closest kin’s contact information).
Happy Birthday Douglas…
This weekend is Douglas’s big 3-0. The First Family of Atlanta is hosting a party for him at the balcony of The Wetbar. While talking to Douglas, we both came to a realization about the looming 30’s. It is appropriate for some things to change when the 20’s past us by. A 30 year-old man in a fitted is just not as cute as it used to be… We need a book on what’s hot and what’s not for a man in the 30’s. And from going to Bulldogs on Thursday, so do most of Atlanta.
Come out to the party… It really will be off the chain… 960 Spring St NW
Atlanta, GA 30309.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I am really glad you came to the ATL and looked me up. I hope I showed you a great time because you really showed me one. I had a blast walking the parking lot and looking at all the hot “back-pack” boys in the 708 parking lot. I am craving another mojito from California Pizza Kitchen. I am still laughing at all the funny sh*t you said at Club Europe. Again, I really enjoyed the pleasure of your company. The next time you come to the ATL, you better hit me up! As a matter of fact, I expect you to stay in touch, period, Dammit.
P.S. Glad you got laid (just kidding... right?)
When you host a party, you must be gracious to your guests. Calling people bitches and mutherfuckers is not nice. Allowing your cousin or housekeeper to do the same is also rude. And running out of ice is just not cute.
Dear Uncle Fe,
You know them was not your chips (pardon the ebonics, hun...).
Dear Turn Me Up a Lil,
You are an awesome guy and so is your friend. I cannot wait until you both move to the ATL. It really is amazing how you tend to fall into things… You really have no idea… I am so vested in your experiences already. And you are actually hotter in person than your cute blog pics portray.
Dear Traxx, Trademark, Extreme Entertainment, Wassup in the ATL,
It really sucks for people who come to Atlanta expecting a good time to be over charged for a couple of hours in a hot box. After the weekend, I felt like Oedipus and King Lear, gouged to the point of blindness.
Dear Man taking my money at Club Europe,
It was real F-ed up how the guy just in front of me paid $40 for VIP while you told me to pay $50. You as$hole. If I ever see you at a function I am affiliated with, I am going to kick you’re a$s out of the door. B*tch.
Great barbecue! As always, I am glad you invited me, even if it was the beginning of my decent into drunkenness. And about that boy… screw him. We both know that you are the real deal and that you can do so much better.
I cannot believe you let me get THAT drunk on Sunday night. I know I should have stopped after the fourth rum and coke but with this recession, you never know when the next drink will come. And I cannot believe I went to the Chanel Ball with you. What kind of new fangled sh#t was that? The kids told me back when we dated that you would have me in some low places (just kidding). So now that I have gone to my first ball, I am truly, fully, undoubtedly one of the gays. And I blame you for that.
P.S. And about Thirsty…
Dear Friend of Parker that I Repeatedly Poked on Sunday,
I don’t know you by name but I am truly, fully, undoubtedly sorry for repeatedly poking you on Sunday. I don’t remember doing it because I was drunk, but if you say I did it, I don’t doubt it. I am sorry. I will not poke you (unless I am single and you ask me to) again.
Dear Double Dees,
Sucked that you missed the entire weekend due to surgery. Hope you feel better. And put them chicken wings and doughnuts down.
Clearly this was a great weekend and I really hate some of you missed it. Oh well. Sucks for you. Good thing that there is always next year.