Sunday, March 22, 2009
The Reason, The Conclusion
When we started 12th grade, Chanel and B.J. had been dating for four years. As crazy as it sounds, they had been a couple since 8th grade. I was often the third wheel or along as a double date (I had girlfriends throughout high school and college).
I realized in 12th grade that I loved B.J. in an inappropriate way and that I was making myself miserable by pining over him. He was spending more and more time with Chanel, leaving me alone and jealous. And that’s when I meet Michael (http://coreyisamess.blogspot.com/2008/09/you-will-always-be-my-first-love.html). As Michael and I started spending time together, I noticed B.J. was the one getting jealous. He did not understand why I was spending so much time with a freshman.
We drifted apart. We graduated. Before we all left for college, a group of us got together and went out. There, at our last time together before going our separate ways, B.J. punched me in the face and gave me a black-eye. He had been picking a fight with me the entire outing and it ended with me punched in the face. I did not hit him back. I remember sitting in our friend’s Sasha’s car, holding my eye, looking out of the window, crying tears that hurt my face and my heart. I promised myself that I would never speak to him again.
And I kept my promise. I started college with a black eye that lasted weeks. I was embarrassed and hurt.
B.J. and Chanel went to college at one of our state’s HBCU’s and I went to our state’s biggest university. We rarely ever saw each other. He never came home (he and his aunt also had some problems) and when he did, I avoided him.
When B.J. was a sophomore in college, he had a mental breakdown. He was actually diagnosed as being bi-polar. I was sad for him. I was hurt when I found out, but in some ways, it made sense considering his behavior during our junior and senior year of high school.
He was institutionalized for six months and during this time, he wrote me several letters. He apologized and asked me to be in his life, to be his friend again. He told me that I had helped his faith and that God had placed us in each other’s lives for life. I did not respond to his letter. I ignored him.
This is hard to admit and this is hard to write.
Chanel asked me to forgive him, to visit him. I told her I would. She and I had remained friends, but I did not keep my word to her. My promise to myself meant more to me then.
B.J. was released and returned to school. He had several other episodes and did not finish college. He did finish barber school. He married Chanel and they have two beautiful children.
And this takes us to the reason for the entries. B.J. and Chanel’s divorce became final on Friday and B.J. called my mother to tell her about the divorce. He cheated and has two other children. They talked about everything and in the course of their conversation he told her why he hit me. He had heard that I was gay and was dating Michael. He told her that the thought of me being gay all those years had made him really mad.
Why he was telling my mother this is beyond me and really made us both angry. My mother knows I am gay and she supports me and my relationship with Parker. We both wonder who else he has told this too. Michael is married now with kids of his own, after all.
I thought about what could motivate him to call my mother and tell her this and I think it is because he needs a friend now. I am sure losing Chanel is hard for him. And I want so badly to make amends for not being there for him years ago when he asked for my forgiveness but I know I will never call him or speak to him. And while it might be the right thing to do, it is not the thing I am going to do and I have to live with this (the fact that I am this kind of person) for the rest of my life.