This Christmas... I am broke as hell!

The holidays are here and the money is low. This year was difficult financially for me and for many of the people I have spoken to. Throughout 2007, numerous friends lost jobs and altered their lifestyles. I cannot help but wonder why 2007 was such a difficult year, financially?

The worst thing about my lack of holiday money is that I made more money in 2007 than I have ever made in my life.

I realized last year that I wanted 2008 to be an important year in my life. I realized in order to have the year I wanted in 2008, I would have to make sacrifices in 2007. I did some of that but life definitely hit hard.

I splurged on two big vacations (Puerto Rico and New York) and wasted money on an exorbent birthday party.

In 2008, I am going on a diet- a debt diet (and for those of you who have seen my increasing ass around ATL, a conventional diet as well). I hope to do more with less. In have plans for 2008 and they all involve discipline.

On a positive note, I have purchased all of my Christmas gifts (thank you MBNA- now Bank of America). A clear credit card is a holiday must. I know, I know… I will suffer next month, but hey, the debt diet has yet to start.

The Great Gatsby is alive and well

In F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1925 classic, The Great Gatsby, Nick Carraway, the disillusioned narrator states, "There must have been moments even that afternoon when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams — no through her own fault but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion. It had gone beyond her, beyond everything. He had thrown himself into it with a creative passion…" After attending the grandest party of 2007, I realize I may have done in my haste for love exactly what Gatsby did in his quest to win Daisy’s love.

On Saturday, Brock and Zolton hosted one of the best parties of the year.

Brock and Zolton are gay black Atlanta socialites who embody the American dream. Close friends of Uncle Mallory’s lover, Michael, I was fortunate to bond with both Brock and Zolton in mountains. Married eight years, both men are professionals and investors and they live in a beautiful home south of Atlanta.

The sprawling home was ornately decorated for the Christmas party. With four fully decorated Christmas trees, a full bar, an impressive gym (that included a sauna and Jacuzzi), I was floored at the home and the life the two men have built together. Eight years apart in age, I felt an immediate connection and wanted Parker to attend the party. I was impressed and I knew Parker would be equally impressed.

Parker spent the day with his family, who came up to shop from South Georgia. I could not wait for Parker to arrive at the party. When he finally arrived, he looked less than enthused. As I gave him a tour of the home, he carried himself in a lethargic manner. I asked him if he could see us living in such an extravagant home and he told me he could not see that far into the future. It made me realize that there may be no future for us.

As much as I love Parker and as much as he claims he loves me, I am not foolish enough to think that this relationship could not end on a moment’s notice.

I actually decided to commit to Parker at my birthday party. Every time he met someone, he introduced himself as Parker, Corey’s boyfriend. This was a huge step for him and it made a huge difference to me. I realize now that perhaps, like Gatsby, I allowed myself to get carried away with a dream.

As Emily Dickinson said, “Hope is the thing with feathers, That perches in the soul, And sings the tune--without the words, And never stops at all…” My hope is that this will last, but again, my hope may prove as fleeting as a twenty year old’s love.

Living Just Enough for the City- December 4, 2007

The Big Event of the Week:
Let’s Get Lit 2007 (Reygan’s Annual Birthday Party)
A great party hosted by a gorgeous guy, this event will be filled with the who’s who of HOTLANTA. Everyone I know is invited, so this may be the biggest party of the year.
Date: Friday, December 7, 2007
Time: 9:00 p.m.
Information: While I received an evite, the event is open to invited guests of invited guests. Find a friend who’s going and get there if you can.

Set the DVR for: America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 9! I simply cannot get enough of Tyra and the girls (Ms. J., you included honey.) While Heather was my early pick, Selicia is my hands down favorite. I think Chantal, however, will walk away with the win. Whatever the case may be, there are four more episodes so tune in and let’s dish the dirt.

Reviews are in for: This Christmas and it sucked. I am actually blogging about it soon.

The most recent CD that got my money is: Alicia Key’s All I Am and I must say it is a solid effort. Everyone is gah-gah over this young man and I must say the CD was worth my coins. It is not, however, worthy of the high praise it is receiving. Keysha Cole’s CD Just Like You was much better.

Something Considered: Mark Twain said- “Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great.” As I look to how I am going to make my life a better life, it is important to consider who I am choosing to be in my life and what role they play. I urge you to do the same with your life and with those you allow to be a part of it.

Must Read Blog of the Week: http://thecynicalones.blogspot.com/ This blog is laugh your ass off funny! I promise that anyone who reads it will want to bookmark it for future reads.

A New Blog to Visit: http://pimusique.blogspot.com/ Interesting. Let’s just leave it at that…

This Blog Must Die! (Romeo, you are spared for yet another virgin romp!)

While talking to Joe last night, I came to a realization. This blog must change.

The original intent of the blog was to chronicle the adventure s of four attractive gay men living under one roof. Unfortunately, life has a way of rarely being what you expect. Joe moved out within the first month of the blog being up. Chris left, then came back, and is currently preparing to purchase his first home. As stated in the last blog, Aaron just moved back to California.

All of the aforementioned brings me to the question, what is the point of this blog? e. Think: What is Girlfriends without Toni and what is Sex and the City without Samantha? That becomes my question now: What is this blog without the roommates?

Clearly, the blog must change.

It is my intent to provide meritorious reading for pleasure. It is not my intent to self-centeredly focus on my life and myself. This blog should be bigger than me. This blogosphere is a vast and immense place and I want to brighten my little corner.

Welcome to coreyisamess.blogspot.com. Tell me what you think can be done to make this blog a better place to traverse in the blogosphere. All comments are welcome and appreciated.

Goodbye my friend...

Goodbye my friend

(I know you're gone, you said you're gone but I can still feel you here)

It's not the end

(You gotta keep it strong before the pain turns into fear)

So glad we made it, time will never never ever change it!
-from "Goodbye," by the Spice Girls


Aaron is gone.

This blog began as a chronicle of my life with three roommates: Aaron, a former youth minister cum financial advisor, Chris, an intern, four years my junior, and Joe, my former boyfriend.

Over the course of one year, a lot has transpired. Joe moved out after an argument over a cable bill (and a few other bills) in January. Chris moved back to Alabama after his internship ended and then moved back to Atlanta in August. And now, Aaron has moved back to Los Angeles.

Aaron has been like a brother to me. He is a Pisces and I am a Scorpio. I don’t think we could have had a better roommate relationship. Or at least this was true until Aaron met Kali. (For more on Aaron’s back story, check out the following blog dates: Sept. 4, April 25, and Dec. 29.)

When Aaron started dating Kali (she was such a slutty cat), our relationship went south.

After Aaron’s break-up with Kali, he quit his job and went to visit his mother in California. While there, he reconnected with his old friend, Phil Wilson and was offered a great job with the Black AIDS institute. Needless to say, he took the job, came back to Atlanta to get his stuff, and left for Los Angeles last night. I really hoped we would have more time to reconnect, but time, like so many things in my life, is not on my side.

I am sad. It hurts to lose another friend.

I always assumed Aaron would not only be in my life, but would be in my home. If I needed a new tire, I knew Aaron would take care of it for me. If I forgot to pay the gas bill, I knew Aaron would take care of it for me. If I forgot to assemble some gift bags for work, I knew Aaron would take care of it for me. Whatever my problem, my pain, or my issue, I knew Aaron would be there. But now, he is gone and I don’t really know how my life will be without him.

I have cried about this a lot and I am crying about this now.

Joey, Aaron’s foster son, is spending Thanksgiving with me and Parker and Double Dees and the first family. We, Joey and I, are dealing with Aaron’s move together. There are some long days ahead. And my mess of a life seems a lost less important without Aaron by my side.

I'll shout it from the Smokey Mountain Tops... I'm in love with Parker!

My birthday party was a lot of fun. I hope my guests thought it was a classy event that added something to the social scene of the city I love so dearly. Had it not been for Cousin Thomas and Cousin Mallory, Aaron and Chris, and Parker, the party would not have happened.

As soon as the party ended, the whirlwind that is my life changed courses. For the past three years, I have worked as an organizer for an event called Fire in the Smokies (falltacular.com). The annual event was held this past weekend. Specifically, I was over ice-breakers and workshops.

Now that the event is over, I can honestly say that Fire in the Smokies was an amazing experience. If any reader went or heard about this event, please tell me what you thought.

Held in the smoky mountains of Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, the event afforded me an opportunity to reflect on m life. I came to realize that my life is good, but it is not great. I have a lot of work to do to make my life what I want it be. Finances, stability, and upward mobility are paramount concerns. My physical, mental, and spiritual well-being are also areas for improvement. While all of the aforementioned are topics for future blogs, I decided that I had a more immediate issue to address.

In the mountains, I realized that it was time to confront this situation in my life that is increasing in its gravity. I realized it was time to address where our relationship was headed.

Parker is not what I wanted in my life. I never imagined that I would start a relationship with someone eight years my junior.

But it has been eight months and I realize that my feelings for him have grown immensely. I’m in love and realizing this hurts.

The party was a turning point for me in how I felt for Parker. He introduced himself to numerous strangers as “Corey’s boyfriend” and I thought that was cute. After the party, he lay in my arms and told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. He opened this door to my heart and forced me to accept how I felt.

I took the time I needed in the mountains to reflect on my feelings and realized that if we were going to continue to be together, we needed to commit. Upon returning home, I asked him what he wanted to do about the relationship we have and he said he wanted to be with me and that he wanted to make this work.

I have a lot of apprehension about this and what it entails.

Day by day and step by step, if the lord is willing and the creek don’t rise, we, Parker and me, can make this work.

It's My Party...

The race that is my life is on. From working several events, contending with some surprising roommate news, fighting to make a relationship work, to accepting a second job teaching a couple of college courses, I am in my usual overdrive. With all of the aforementioned said, the biggest occupant of my mind’s time at present is my impending birthday. In ten days I will turn twenty-nine. In all honesty, my upcoming birthday party is actually overshadowing my actual birthday.

I have put a lot of planning into the event with some help from Uncle Mallory and Cousin Thomas. Flowers and balloons will serve as the main decorations and the theme is “Moonlight and Martinis.” Five martinis will spirit guests. Lemondrop, cosmopolition, green apple or caramel apple, corey-tini (pomegranate) and flirtini are on the menu. My caterer is doing something wonderful, or so he swears, and instead on one large birthday cake, I plan to purchase four smaller ones of various flavors. There will be, however, no chocolate. The only chocolate cakes I will eat are on men, not plates.

I am working on a surprise for my guest to show my appreciation. With all of this said, I do however realize that even the best laid plans can unravel at the last minute. I hope the attendance is appropriate. I don’t want too many people, but I do want a cute, festive crowd. I am, by nature, a worrier, because I am, by nature, a perfectionist.

And as I shop, sweat, and pray over this party of mine, one question will not go away: “Why am I having a birthday party for myself?”
Because, Corey, you, like your life, is a mess.

Barbara Walters Special: An interview with Mr. Corey Keith- Atlanta

Barbara: Hello and welcome to today’s special interview with Atlanta’s own- Corey Keith. An avid reader and passionate blogger, it’s been quite awhile since we heard from Mr. Keith. Everyone wants to know what’s been happening in his part of the blogosphere. That begs the question: Where have you been, Corey?
Corey: Working my black ass off for the man, Barbara! You know how it is.

Barbara: (fake rich white woman laughter) Well, Corey, I know how busy you are. So tell me, really, how have you been, Corey?
Corey: I have been better, I have been worse. Alas, it was the best of times… it was the worst of times! Come Ci, Come Ca.. Cum one more time, daddy…

Barbara: Speaking of cumming for daddy, how are things in your relationship with Parker?
Corey: I knew that last answer would provide a great segway into a discussion about Parker. Well, we recently came to a very divergent point in our relationship and I had to simply lay things on the line. What had happened was…

Interruption (Parker): Bitch, you better not blog about -

Corey: Barbara, I am sorry, but I am not at liberty to recount what actually caused our most recent tift, but I can say that all is well that ends well.

Barbara: What’s going on with his roommate, Daisy and her lover Juantavious?
Corey: Well, they broke up, and I for one am glad. I am very happy Juantavious is single now. I would jump his bones in a New York minute.

Barbara: (gasp) Would you really sleep with Jauntavious?
Corey: Honestly, I really would. He is super sexy.

Barbara: And your roommates?
Corey: You know, Barbara that is actually why this blog exists. There was a point in the history of my home when four very different people from four very different places had come together in the common bond of friendship and love and new beginnings. There was Joe, who I had known the longest, and I am happy to say that we are close again. While the Comcast cable bill caused a slight tear in the fabric of our friendship, we talk often now. He actually moved to Orlando with his new lover. Chris is doing great. He is really adjusting to being back in Atlanta. And well Aaron is Aaron and I love him now just as much as ever. Things between he and Kali seem to be going really well.

Barbara: That’s wonderful to hear. So are you going to do a better job of updating your blog?Corey: Barbara, girl, that is the big question, isn’t it? Maybe. These girls on here don’t really read me like that anyway, but I will do a little better. I hope. Hell, you know I’m a mess as it is. I’m a mess as it is.

Leaving No Child Behind- A Story of Life and Love in New York City

After such a tumultuous month, Parker and I decided that we were both in need of a vacation. With Double Dees and Cousin Rodesha along, I knew we would have some sort of a time and, well, we did.

New York, New York. Last year, Cousin Douglas and I went and he said that any relationship that can survive a trip to New York together is a relationship that has staying power.

I love to travel and New York City is my favorite travel destination (with Houston as a close second!). The trip provided Parker and I the magnifying glass our relationship needed and both Double Dees and Rodesha with enough laughs (often at my expense) to last at least until Christmas.

We stayed at the Sheraton, New York on 53rd Street and 7th Avenue. The hotel was a four-star steal, since we only paid $366 each for the flight and the two-night hotel stay.

We hit the shopping areas, walked the squares, and sampled the clubs (yeah, it is true… ATL black gay night life really is the best in the US.)

Here’s an abridged account of the trip:

#1- Parker had never been to New York. We took the subway to SoHo to get some True Religion Jeans. When we got on the train, it was crowded. Why Parker sat away from us, I don’t know, but when we stopped and everyone got off, he stayed on. Luckily I got back on, but by then, the train was off and we were separated. Truly, it is my job to leave no child behind.

#2- I waited for an entire year since being in New York to eat some fried macaroni and cheese from Chelsea’s The Cafeteria. Delicious again, the fried mac and cheese did not disappoint. However, the other food I ordered, did. I was starving and the order was messed up twice. When we left, I just grabbed a slice of pizza (or… um… two).

#3- Fantasia is truly amazing in The Color Purple. The play was really good, but it is Fantasia who makes the show! If you have not seen it and can make it before her Broadway run ends, it is worth your time and effort.

#4- On the way to the airport, after having a great weekend jaunt to New York, our cabbie decided to take a scenic view and make a little extra change off the tourists. I told him we were pressed to catch our flight and he told me to get my ass out of his cab. Yes, in the middle of Central Park, our cabbie kicked us out! Luckily, within minutes, another cab pulled up and took us to the airport. We made our flight with time to spare.

Again, the trip was great, but the nightlife left a lot to be desired. I just knew I’d take New York, but on second thought, you can have it. And I also thought I was going to take a bite out of the big apple, but after just checking my bank statement, I realized the big apple just took a bite out of me.

Damn, what another fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into this time, Corey!

No pot to piss in or window to throw it out of...

Black Gay Pride 2007 has come to pass, and like most things that mark this year, it was forgettable, and yes, in some cases regrettable.

The focus of the weekend really surrounded my roommate, Aaron.

Aaron.
Where in the world do I start? I have not really written more about Aaron lately because of the sensitive nature of our relationship. Things have been strained as he has become more engrossed in his relationship with Kali and I felt that it was best to simply keep my thoughts to myself. Well, this weekend things in that relationship, and in ours, came to a head.

Aaron and Kali fight. Beds have been splinted, eyes dotted, and faces scratched up. The relationship is parasitic. I doubt the genuineness of both parties and I can see fault in both parities. But Kali is not my friend. He rarely speaks and we have never had a true conversation in the six months he and Aaron have been together. He is not my concern. Aaron, however, is.

Kali is here a lot and that also bothers me.

The situation presents quite a dichotomy. I am a renter to Aaron and a friend.

As the homeowner, I don’t feel as though I should intervene. Aaron rents a room in my home and if he wants to keep his lover in his room six days and nights a week, who am I to comment? If he wants to beat the shit out of his houseguest and have his house guest beat the shit out of him, as long as walls are intact, why should I care? Its only when his actions affect me should I get involved, and to be honest, as a homeowner, I am rarely affected. Kali is almost nonexistent. He doesn’t speak and I barely even know he’s here.

But as a friend, I am devastated. To see someone I love in an unhealthy relationship is disturbing to say the least.

An example of this dysfunction- Kali was not here all weekend. It’s gay pride and he vanishes. He doesn’t return calls and he’s gone. All weekend, I watched Aaron pace and worry and fret. He did not leave the house. But suddenly, today, Kali’s back. I figured he would be. He has to get to work some how, and don’t believe the hype… Marta (Atlanta public transit) is not smarter.

Yeah, the whole scenerio sounds a mess to me, too.

I am resolved to stay out of this and I will. Sometimes you have to let go and let people learn for themselves. I am a protector. I am a big brother, and sometimes, deep in the throes of passion, a daddy. I love my friends and, sometimes to my detriment, will go to lengths to make sure they are okay… but not this time.

Well, its That Time of Year Again!

The world’s largest black gay pride event is here!

And this is what to do if you are visiting our fair city... Ignore the rest... This is the breakdown of how it goes down in the ATL for labor day...

Thursday Night- Everyone will be at Bulldogs, getting the weekend started. After 3 a.m. when the club closes, everyone will head to 708 to party till the wee-dawn!

Friday Night- Towers II Night Club is the spot! Everyone will crowd their black asses in their and burn the f*ck up….

Saturday - Brunch at American Roadhouse
Black Gay Film Festival at the Sheraton

Literary Cafe at the Sheraton (with Fredrick Smith- Check it out and buy the book, Down for Whatever! You won't be sorry!)
Falltacular Meet and Greet at Joe’s Crab Shack in Marietta
Shopping and Cruising at Lenox Mall

House Party at Dwayne Tharpe’s!

(If you are not invited, get with someone who is. He really knows how to throw a party!)
End the night with Traxx at their new location
Sunday- Lion’s Den party at Club Europe with annual fashion show! This is the one event on the list of things to do in Atlanta that I will not miss. It never fails to live up to its hype.

Parker's Coming Out!

It’s been six months and Parker and I are still going strong.

Parker is the cute, sexy twenty-one year old I met at Wal-Mart in February. Yes, he claims he is still into women (although he says he has not been with anyone other than me as of late) and no, we are not committed, but we have a wonderful relationship. I have been very resigned not to write about Parker because I somewhat feel as though I should not validate this unhealthy relationship with acknowledgement. But I have come to accept that I am enjoying the relationship and that I Parker has become a big part of my life. To each his own… um.. er.. maybe.

Parker has made great progress in regards to understanding himself and accepting himself lately. This past weekend, Jace (first-family cousin) had a birthday party/housewarming (on his rooftop I might add) and Parker actually wanted to go. He was apprehensive about the experience at first, but he had a wonderful time. He met all of my friends (i.e. first family) and he seemed well received (for the most part… thanks Uncle Ray).
As days go forward, I hope to see where things will go with Parker. I am still note expecting much and taking the situation at face value, but in this life of mine, you just never know.

A Sad Day in the Atlanta Sector of the Blogosphere!

I began blogging after reading an article in Southern Voice about C. Baptiste-Williams. The article focused on the best of Atlanta and Baptiste-Williams’ blog, HISstory was named a must-read blog. Well, I read the blog and realized that he offered a perspective and an insight I, and the world at large, needed. I then discovered his favorite blogs and the rest is history.

Well, today I read that C. Baptiste-Williams will be leaving Atlanta to return home to D.C. First Dayne Avery and now this…

At most parties and night spots I frequent, I am fortunate enough to see Baptiste-Williams. He gives you a little shade, trust me, but he will definitely be missed. Through his opionated, well-written, timely, and provocative writing, Baptiste-Williams has helped many appreciate Atlanta and understand the city I love.

I will miss his perspective on my city and on the events that link us Atlantans together. Things in Atlanta and in the Atlanta sector of the blogosphere will not be the same.

You Better Git Outta Our Park!

As reported in this week’s Southern Voice, the Midtown Ponce Security Alliance claims that the black gays and lesbians who converge on Piedmont Park on Sunday evenings are “a menace to society.”

As stated by the MPSA in the article:

"The black gay men and lesbians who have long gathered in Piedmont Park on Sunday evenings are probably the most dangerous ongoing situation we have encountered so far.”

And...

“The problem continues to escalate weekly, and we fear that if some concrete solutions are not found, someone will be seriously injured or even killed,” the MPSA newsletter states. “Needless to say, most regular park visitors are afraid to use this area of the park on Sunday evenings.”

As someone who has enjoyed several Sunday evenings in Piedmont Park, I am appalled. Rarely, if ever, have I witnessed any unruly or suspicious behavior. I cannot believe a group would be so bold as to say a public park, financed and maintained by public funds, should not allow or restrict people based on the color of their skin.

In Atlanta, white people are happy to have us at the table as long as we only comprise the customary 10% of the group. We are an acceptable token, but can never be allowed to be the majority. The people of the Midtown Ponce Alliance would clearly not even want to see us present.

Read the article and let me know what you think at http://www.sovo.com/2007/7-20/news/localnews/7239.cfm !

It’s Me, (X)itches… Happy Birthday, Uncle Mallory!

Last weekend the first family celebrated Uncle Mallory’s 30-somethingish birthday. Held at Uncle Gatsby's, the party was a virtual who's who of HOTlanta.

With ribs, beef brisket, and cakes, cakes, cakes, the first family celebrated in style. It is always the birthday party we remember, but its always the experience of pulling it off that warrants the story.

Cousin Douglas and Uncle Fe-Fe were the ringleaders for planning the party and they pulled it off without a hitch.

Held at Uncle Gatsby’s, Douglas and I had to help roll the floor (isn’t that a mess- a house with a saran-wrapped floor, but then again, the way these ATL queens throw ‘em back and spill tea, you gotta protect the floor), and decorate. With Doug’s keen eye for details, the tables were laid and the flower arrangement was BEAT. Uncle Gatsby, known for his killer parties, did not disappoint his fans.

The food was excellent- I am still craving those ribs with Uncle Fe-Fe’s Texas style sauce. Bay-Bay (as he would say), they show’ll (sp?) was good.

Well over 200 people showed up and stayed until the party ended. The true measure of your party’s success is when you have to tell people (politely, Uncle Gatsby, politely next time) to leave.

Yes, the party was a success. (Douglas, you laid this one out, cutie)

Uncle Gatsby with his over-the-top Martini glass (and I cannot recall Martini’s being served), Uncle Mallory’s birthday shirt (hand made with ROCK STAR beading) and mohawk (believe it or not, it was hot), and everyone else getting drunker than Cooter Brown (i.e. Dukes of Hazzard- don’t trip, you watched that racist shit), a fun time was had by all.
And I guess this weekend, we will do it all again at someone else’s house on someone else’s dime. You gotta love Atlanta. The party never ends.

Told Ya'll She Was Gonna Flop Like This!

Like many in my age range, I am a fan of Destiny’s Child. Like many, I have followed the career of this group closely, and like many I really wanted to see the success of each member’s solo career materialize but after two botched solo projects in a row, a successful solo career may not be in the cards for Ms. Kelly Rowland.

Debuting at No. 6 and selling an impressive (for her) 82,000 copies, Kelly’s CD held promise for fans (myself included) eagerly awaiting an album that would showcase what many of us thought was strong vocal abilities. We, her fans, were ready for Kelly to finally step out of the big shadow of Beyonce’s massive weave. Kelly did step out of the shadows, but only to fall flat on her face.

It seems as if Ms. Kelly has a Ms. Mess on her hands.

What hurts Kelly is the fact that her voice does not lend itself to performing solo. She is good at background and after listening closely to Ms. Kelly, it seems she should remain there.

Admittedly, having a weak voice is not the career-killer it once was. Just look at Rhianna and Amerie. Neither of these hip-hop pop-divas can sing. However, each of them has a solid summer CD on their hands that add something to the cannon of hip-hop pop. What is a career-killer is releasing a killer first single (“Like This” is like off the chains), having massive media and fan hype, but failing to deliver a quality CD.

Rowland attempts some heavy issues on this CD. Addressing the issue of lost love, her album attempts to deal with failings in relationships- the struggle to regain that lost love, but then realizing when its time to move on. Song after song deals with Rowland’s musings over losing the love of her life. Love rarely sounded this bland and passionless.

Kelly Rowland reportedly spent two years working on this CD. I hate to tell her this, but she wasted two good years of her life. She may need to give the next album four years and we’ll see if she has a hit on her hands.

Another Slap in the Face by Our Kind of People

Unlike many bloggers, I still prefer to have old fashioned newspapers in my hand. I do realize this is an unnecessary expense in the age of information, but I read more carefully when I purchase my morning paper.

On page 5A of today’s USA Today, I discovered a huge one page advertisement urging members of congress to vote against Senate Bill 1105. This ad was taken out by the High Impact Leadership Coalition (http://www.hilc.net/) which consists of some very prominent black clergy from around the country. The ad argues that Senate Bill 1105, which is also known as the Matthew Shepard Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act of 2007, will limit the freedom of religion and the exercise of free speech. The ad warns to not allow misguided compassion to erode America’s most basic freedoms. Needless to say, I was outraged and heartbroken.

When will the black church (as a whole, I know this is not a universal for every predominately black church) stop sending the message that it is acceptable to hate someone or to defame and demean someone because of their sexual orientation?

Almost less than fifty years ago, blacks were the victims of numerous hate crimes across the United States. Some of the same ministers who are arguing for the right to demean individuals due to their sexual orientation were fighting the good fight to simply be treated with human respect and decency by whites.

I am a member of Victory United Church of Christ (http://www.victoryfortheworld.org) and I have been a member since April of 2004, although I started attending in 2003. My church is affirming and supportive. I refuse to put my time, my talents, and my tenth in a system that tells me I am unfit to walk the earth in love and live my life in God’s light without shame. But the pain and hurt of this ad exists nonetheless because I realize that it is the black church that has done so much harm to the black community. Instead of being able to move forward and become accepting of one another and unified as a race of people, the black church continues to drive a divisive wedge between our community’s people. And this wedge simply edges me and those like me, further and further away from my own people.

View the ad from the bastards yourself: http://media.pfaw.org/Right/HILC_Rollcall.pdf

Charm School's Charming Reunion- My Guilty Pleasure (Skip if you do not watch VH1's Flavor of Love Charm School)

I must admit my guilty pleasure. I am a faithful addict of the Flavor of Love programs. I know, I know… the show is degrading and depicts black culture at its worst.. blah, blah. The show entertains the he!! out of me and I cannot help but add commentary on tonight’s reunion.

The premise of the show is thirteen females being “schooled” by Monique. A mess. From the rip, the show was a farce. Monique is foul, vulgar, and vile. Anyone who has seen The Queens of Comedy knows she’s a big slice of ghetto pie.

The winner of the show was Sapphyri. She’s a stylist, but her true calling in life is to be an actress. Everything about her screams opportunist. She played the role of being homeless and on the street, but I don’t buy it. She just put money down on a condo in Los Angeles. You don’t go from being homeless to having an L.A. condo. However, I must give it to her. Good job on that new doo. The black wig was hot, but that top was circa 1963 Mortica Addams.

The next contestant on the show I feel compelled to discuss is Brooke. I felt like Brooke (Pumpkin) was given the raw end of the deal, but when I thought about it, I realized that she probably has gotten it raw plenty of other times in her life. And yes, it was confirmed… she’s a racist.

The most notorious lady on the show was Larissa (Boots). Larissa was probably the meanest black b!t(h on television and I love her. She deserves her own show! Let’s start a campaign at VH1 to get her own television show. Whatever the price, VH1 should pay it. I would love to see her and Shay (Bucky) on a Simple Life style program.

Tonight, Larissa pulled Monique’s card and that card needed to be called. Now, if only someone would pull her McDonald’s card…

Larissa’s mom also let Monique have it. It was time for the nation to see the veil lifted and it was. Throughout this program, I felt as if Monique exploited these poor women and depicted them as ignorant and petty. While they may have been both, I question Monique’s right to sit in judgment. I do not like Monique’s self-righteousness. Who is she to judge these young women, many of whom were between the ages of 25-18? And I would understand if it was Oprah Winfrey hosting the show, but this is crude, crass-a$$ Monique. She is known for doing stand-up comedy ripe with swearing and vulgarity.

Shay (Bucky) is the fakest snitch-@$$ whore in television history. Kick rocks, chick… deuces. Oh, and by the way, I love her too!

In closing, the host of the show, Lala, needs to get on a fitness plan. Those bootylicious thighs are spreading. “You’re clicking, Lala. You’re clicking down.”
And who was the “young girl” on the front row in the green shirt snapping at Sapphayri and Monique?
At the conclusion of the show, Monique said Harriet Tubman and Dorthy Dandridge would not be proud of the actions of the girls on the show. If Harriet Tubman and Dorthy Dandridge were alive, they would, unlike myself, be doing something to better the race. They most certainly would not have watched this program.

Doing Ms. Atlanta

For many, Independence day proves a much needed break from the hustle and bustle of the work world. Numerous family reunions, family vacations, and just good old fashioned family get-togethers occur during the 4th of July holiday weekend. Luckily, for many, the holiday fell on a Wednesday, so this meant two weekends of parties, barbecues, and gatherings.

I used this week to party hard and remind myself of why I love Atlanta so much. This is a loose account of a loose week in the life of myself and my friends.

Saturday, June 30th Pool Party in the Boondocks!
I received my official invite the day before the party at Towers II Night Club. I hate Towers II Night Club. (I really hate most Atlanta night spots because they are overpriced, overcrowded, and the people inside are just over the top! But that’s for another blog on another day…) I, along with the rest of the first family, went to the pool party, held in what is known as unincorporated Fulton County. The drive was so long, but so worth it. The party was hot and the crowd was hot and I was hot. Unfortunately, with this pathetic, ill-prepared pool party body, I couldn’t cool off. It was probably for the better with all of the hot, young fish swimming around. I would have eaten so much fish that night I could have met the same fate as poor Ralph and Norton (see June 12’s entry for more insight).

Sunday, July 1st- Django Night Club
A hot new addition to the Atlanta club scene, Django is mostly gay on Sunday nights and it is jumping. Originally free until 9 with free well-drinks until 10, the spot was a given success with the kids. It was a given is the operative here because the free till 9 is over as are the free drinks. But no matter. We did not know that when we arrive. We just paid the over-priced 10 and bought no drinks.

Monday, July 2nd- The Stars of the Century at the Jungle
Ah! Mondays at the Jungle have become legendary in the ATL. How I do love the show. And not because I love the Drag queens so much as I love the crowd. The hottest little fems in Atlanta are there each Monday. The eye candy is so sweet it can be sickening (not in my case, however. I do love the sweeties almost as much as I love the smarties.) The show is always professional. Uncle Mallory and Gatsby went along with Cousin Douglas. Throughout the summer, Douglas, Double Dees, and I have made this a weekly stint. As usual, the best performance of the night was Raquel Lord, but Jasmine Bonet did well also.

Friday, July 6th- Fire Fridays at Joe’s Crab Shack, Sexy Underwear Party
Every first Friday, a group of guys who hold an annual pride event called Fire in the Smokies (AKA Falltacular- check it out at http://www.falltacular.com/) in the Smoky Mountains in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee host a gay mixer. This Friday, the mixer was hot. I actually meet three cuties and had three mojitos. After the mixer, I headed to an underwear party and then ended my night at Towers II Night Club. Actually, I ended my night on Adam4Adam, but that is not really relevant, is it? As usual, the club was packed to capacity with heat radiating from the rafters. It felt like a Sauna. I endured the blazing heat for as long as I could.


Now, I know you are wondering what happened on Tuesday-Thursday, but that is for a forthcoming blog. I want to give this blog its time, and then I will spill the tea about my hot three days with Parker. Oh, Parker. Oh, me. My life
is a mess if I ever there was one.

Celebrating "Our" Gay Pride?

June is winding down, and like many cities across the United States, Atlanta just celebrated “our” annual Gay pride celebration. While it is wonderful to see the unity that Gay pride brings, I have to say that this year, like every other year I have called Atlanta home, the great diversity that makes Atlanta, Hotlanta was absent.

When discussing this issue with my friend, Emma (who is a white lesbian), I came to realize how black people are viewed in regards to pride participation. She argued that black people simply don’t want to be included in the pride festivities. If black people wanted to come to the events, they are more than welcome. The problem, according to Emma, is that they don’t want to attend.

In many ways, I agree. We do not want to attend because too often we are made to feel unwelcome or to feel that we should feel honored just to be there. I, for one, refuse to spend my good gay dollar in support of anything that runs contrary to my interests and I feel that due to White Gay Pride’s lack of diversity and failed efforts at inclusion, it runs contrary.

This is Atlanta. While exceedingly liberal and increasingly diverse, Atlanta is still the south and the majority of the city’s wealth is unduly saturated within the hands of the majority (i.e. White people). The racially underlined mentality that black people should simply be happy to be able to sit at the table is prevalent within the white gay community.

If the White Gay Pride committee really wanted inclusion and truly served a diverse population, actual events and activities would have been marketed to Atlanta’s diverse black and Latino populations. Of the twenty seven people on the 2007 Gay Pride festival committee, three of them were people of color. Of the three people listed, none were recognizable by either myself or my friend James, who is an active member of the Black Atlanta club scene.

White gay pride in Atlanta is a wonderful time for many people. Celebrations of rainbow flags, drunken dances in the park, and enough shirtless white guys to fill several bars abound, but I am thankful that black gay pride (labor-day in the ATL) is right around the corner. Vanilla is tasty, but I, for one, love my chocolate cakes.

The Love of My Life- An Ideal Relationship

Today marked what would have been my third anniversary with the bonafide love of my life. Yes, I know I have yet to introduce Tim, and that is with good reason.

Words that come to mind: amazing, strong, caring, sexy chocolate drop- Yes, this is what I think when I think of the man I shared 18 of the best months of my life with.

Tim came into my life when I needed him the most. It was June of 2004. I had just purchased my house and was wondering how my life was going to come together. It felt like my career was advancing, my personal goals were being achieved, but the one thing I craved the most (true love) was missing. I actually recall praying for the right PERSON to come and provide me with the love I felt I was constantly giving but never receiving, and then, I met Tim.

I thought this was a match made in heaven (and I guess, to some degree, I still do). He was a cancer, I was a scorpio. I just thought we would make forever. I just guess I was wrong.

Like others before me, I realize now that I knew how to love but I had no idea how to be loved. A product of dysfunction and drama (thanks, Ma) I had no idea how to sustain a loving and productive relationship. Without even knowing it, I was engaging in self-destructive and unhealthy habits that caused a vibrant and healthy relationship to falter.

When you imagine the love of your life, you imagine the good times. The baths together, complete with wine and candles; the birthday, Christmas, and anniversary gifts; the weekend trips, Wednesday night television and Monday night suppers. What you do not imagine is the unemployment, career changes, the needs of family, the opinions of friends. The love of your life is ideal when it is just that- an idea. Things become a little more complicated when the ideal becomes real and you only have one chance to make it work. I guess I fucked up my chance.

I spent a lot of time after my relationship with Tim ended trying to get him back, but alas, it was to no avail. He had moved on before we even broke up and I finally did the same. Still, I cannot help but look back and wonder “What if?” Still, I raise my glass and say to him, wherever he may be, “Happy Anniversary, Smurfy! You will always be in my heart!”

I'm justing wondering why (Meticulous Musings)

I'm just wondering why (Meticulous Musings)

1. Why does Double Dees have three consistent things in his bedroom: condoms, lube, and Doritos?

2. Why did Uncle Fe Fe get a rash on his arm after sleeping with David (I am not saying there is a connection, but hey…)

3. Why does 50 Cent look 50 years old on the most recent cover of VIBE magazine?

4. Why did Norton and Ralph, the whale sharks in the Georgia Aquarium, die (I asked Douglas this question and he replied it was the black people. When I asked him what he meant, he said the black employees there poured hot sauce and season salt in the water).

If Only You Knew...

I spoke to my cousin Monty yesterday and he told me had broken things off with his boyfriend. Well, at least they made it three months. I was saddened to hear the news and with good reason.

Oh, how I recall my good, old, bygone college days. I graduated from a small, rural high school in Alabama just ten years ago. I loved the University of Alabama. From the boys on the yard to the boys on the field, boys were one thing that Alabama did not have in short supply.

Thick, cornbread-fed country boys are truly just about the best kind of man one can find. The only thing better is a thick, cornbread-fed county boy is a thick, cornbread fed county boy with a switch.

While in college, we all knew of frat boys who got down and all heard of athletes who did. I was never approached by an athlete. It was common knowledge that they kept their gay shenanigans to themselves.

Well, Monty, now a graduate student at the University of Kentucky, found the elusive, mythical trade we all dream about. Mr. Heisman was indeed Mr. He is Man! A quarterback with a body out of this world, Mr. Heisman was really into Monty. Monty saw him on campus and hit him up on facebook. They started talking and eventually a relationship developed. Well, unfortunately, this past weekend, Monty called off the relationship because he felt that Mr. Heisman was not as into him as he was into Mr. Heisman. Poor, child. If only I would have known at 24 what I now know at 28!

I wish I would have known then that you don’t let go of a good thing! Period.

I wish I would have known then that the small things don’t matter. It does not matter if he calls you every day or texts you back immediately. It doesn’t matter if he tells you he loves when I first feel that you love him. What matters is the time you spend with him. Not the quantity, but the quality.

I wish I would have known then that all things work out in time. No one knows what a man is feeling but that man. It is truly pointless to speculate about someone else’s feelings or to over think some else’s actions. What matters is not what he is feeling, but what you are feeling. If it feels right and if it feels good, hold on and make the best of what you have.

We all have to learn our own lessons to learn and hopefully Monty will come to learn his lessons in time.

Taking What we Can Get…

Parker has made it perfectly clear that he cannot see a relationship with me. But does it really matter what he says, or does it matter more about what he does? His actions tell me he cares deeply. He calls, he texts, he appreciates. But he constantly says he does not want anything more than a friendship.

Now, I am a wise old bird, so I am not locking myself into anything. I am not beating myself up about what Parker may or may not feel. I like him and I enjoy spending time with him.

But on last Sunday, I met Olsen and everything was thrown into the air.

Just as I was resigned to accept that in my life, a hot sexual affair with a twenty one year old that carried no stability and no commitment was the best I could do, I met Olsen. A twenty four year old Scorpio, Olsen seems relationship oriented. He’s a spiritualist. He does not believe in organized religion and he lives by the law of the universe. I am intrigued, to say the least.

I care greatly for Parker. I have come to enjoy his company a great deal. But I know that it will come to a point where I am going to need more than what a friend can offer.

These Uncles of Mine (Introducing the First Family)

Too often we lack the support system family provides, so we, being the innovative lot that we are, make up our own families. Abandoned by fathers, shunned by mothers, ostracized by siblings, too often we find ourselves on the outside of the conventional family unit.

This weekend, at a graduation barbecue, I realized the value of my extended family. Not only can they throw down in the kitchen, they keep the spirits high.

The first family consists of Fe Fe, Mallory, Kenny, Ray, White Lady, Timmy, Deanne, Douglas, Geri, and Lil Bit.

These men are, in many ways, my extended family. I have eight uncles (Fe Fe, Kenny, Ray, White Lady, Timmy, Gatsby, Deanne, and Mallory) and one first cousin (Douglas).

This family is large, granted, but they each teach some important lessons.

With numerous vices (the members of the first family are prone to overindulge- in drink, in food, in fashion, in pecs, and in sex), these men represent some of the best success stories I have encountered in same gender loving individuals. These uncles of mine read with the best of them, and drink like few others, but they are always there when a member of the family is in need. They are supportive and generous and truly irreplaceable.

The Isle of Enchantment? I think my dream is over!

What happens in Puerto Rico, stays in Puerto Rico (Unless you have a blog… then its public knowledge).

Beautiful, sunny San Juan. I spent five days and three nights in the isle of enchantment, and I can honestly say that the spell is broken. I don’t know what I expected from my experience, but I definitely did not find it. I learned many lessons from this experience, two of which I will share through forthcoming blogs recounting my San Juan trip, but the most valuable lesson I learned from this trip is that the circuit is not for me. Even though many of us will not admit it, we go to and fro, year after year, around the circuit, hoping for the ever elusive find. We search for the proverbial needle in the haystack, the one gold nugget in clay hills. We hope for the “mythical” trade, but soon realize that any old queen will do. Miami or San Juan for Memorial day, Chicago or LA for the fourth of July. Brooklyn in August and it all ends in Atlanta for Labor day. Our hunt spans the continental US, and in the end, we have exactly what we started with… our unfilled desires. Gay men search the globe for what our lives so desperately lack… love. And I realize, that for myself and many others, this is the case. We claim that we only want to get away and enjoy ourselves, but you can clearly see the longing in our eyes. We want what every other human being wants- a love to call our own.

Welcome to the Real World (And when I stand on these tables before you... You will know what this time was for)

"Welcome to the real world,"
She said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well, I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve."
-from John Mayer's song, No Such Thing

Graduation time. Last week, both Chris and Sean graduated from college. While Chris has already been introduced, Sean is a long time friend still in Alabama. When I speak of Sean, I will probably also speak about my cousin Monty and my friend RJ, even though RJ and I are not speaking. We fell out around MLK and have not spoken since, but I am sure this will pass.

It seems like just yesterday I graduated from UA and was off to conquer the world. Well, the world was not that conquerable.

I imagined myself a Carrie living in the city, searching for love, but still coming out on top, no matter what. I imagined myself a Mary Richards, doing it my way and making it after all.

Instead of Carrie and Mary, I’m a lot more like Dorothy and Roseanne Conner. Old, grumpy, and bitter, but still trying to make it. Yes, destined to fail, but still trying nonetheless.

Dorothy Zbornak was always dry and witty and funny, but loving and protective and responsible. Yes, sounds like me. Roseanne was always working against odds for her family and herself, but alas, like most American tragic heroes, she was doomed to fail. Her kids became bums and her husband had a heart attack, and she turned to both drugs and a lesbian kiss from Sandra Bernhardt (yuck). While I doubt that lesbian kisses are in my future, mediocrity seems to greet me every day. Alas, this is my life.

I thought that by 28 I would be happily settled, loving my job, financially stable, and living a life of prosperity and promise. Instead, I am single with closing options, a career choice I am constantly second guessing, and a bank account that looks like Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard. Yes, there are no bones out there for me.

Chris, with his bachelor’s in accountancy, and Sean, with a master’s in student affairs, should fare well out here in this real world. But again, we were all “Marys” and “Carries” at one point in time.

As They Slept The Night Away (Trapped in the Closet)

"Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
'cause it seems that wrong
really loves my company

He's more than a man
and this is more than love
the reason that this guy is blue
the clouds are rolling in
because I'm gone again
and to him I just can't be true..."

-Rihanna, from the song, Unfaithful

Parker. He has become a constant in my life. I don’t know the type of relationship we are cultivating, but I am enjoying the experience so far. Parker is not my lover, and according to him since he does not date men, he will not become my lover. He is, however, my friend with benefits. Speaking of Parker, he does not acknowledge that he’s gay. He’s bisexual and still sleeps with girls- fat, ugly girls with low self-esteem, but girls nonetheless. He also goes for girls with dark skin tones- typical for someone who is high-yellow. In the course of the two months we have been friends, he has slept with at least two other people. I have not slept with anyone else (and I have not really slept with him since he does not do penetration) but I have gone on three dates with Sam (but that’s a blog for another time).

A House Divided....

A House Divided…

Aaron and I are on the outs.

One would think that with just the two of us remaining in the house, we would be closer than ever, but alas, this is not the case.

I harbor anger and ill-feelings. I realize that I am petty and myopic in my view of Aaron. I realize that I am holding on to pains caused to me inadvertently by him, but in the end, I realize that I deserve to feel the way I do.

Aaron does not know me. For him to be one of my only friends, this realization truly hurts and causes me to introspectively survey myself and my life.

A few words about me: abrasive, presumptuous, contemptuous, judgmental. But with all of my flaws, I have a number of qualities that make me a great friend: generous, hardworking, honest, and loyal. Aaron cannot see my positive qualities. He sees only a portion of me and the portion he sees is not very nice.

Rewind: Sunday night, my living room. I am working on a paper for my graduate class in geriatrics and Double Dees is sitting on the couch eating chicken wings. Aaron enters the house with his boyfriend, Cali, and exclaims the expletive, shit. He proceeds to explain how he purchased cups and would not have had he known I bought them. Why do I have to buy all the cups when we all drink from them? This angers me, but I say nothing. Aaron puts up his groceries (things I will not, under any circumstances eat) and I ask if he is going to place them neatly in the fridge. This obviously angers him and he commences to berate me for being a general asshole. He says I think I know everything, that I think he’s incompetent, and a number of other things. This somehow turns into a shouting match. He marches upstairs and I close myself up like a book. This book, however, is staying shut.

Its true, I know! I do think I know it all (especially in regards to him) and yes, I don’t have faith in people and what they say. I don’t trust my friends (again, this applies to him) to have my back or to do what’s in my best interest. My feelings are based on my experiences and I do realize that maybe it’s too much to ask my friends to see me for more than my negatives.

So ultimately, fuck it. I am not going to do anything further to show Aaron, or many other people for that matter, who I am. Think what you will because I will keep on being me. There are things about me that I want to change and will work hard to change, but there are other things that I will not change because they are too important to him I am. So this house will stay divided and Aaron and I will stay on the outs. What are friends for any damn way.

Rewind- Of Wonder Walls and Know it Alls and One Beautiful Young Man (March 2007)

"And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall"

-Oasis, Wonderwall

The loves I’ve known and the lovers I’ve had… have not been nearly as many as I would have liked.

On average, I sleep with two men per year. At first, this pattern was not intentional. It was just the norm while in college. Unlike some guys, I keep track. I care about how I feel about myself. Well, I once did. The two guys per year was cute when I was cute… younger and thinner and cuter. And while twenty-six is in no ways old in the real world where men sleep with women, it is definitely approaching middle age in the gay world where ex and coke keeps off the weight and cocktail after cocktail adds on the fun.

As gay men, the loud life of quite desperation (ah, Thoreau, old friend) is common. Often, we search and search. Our search for someone takes us from man to man, bed to bed, and orgasm to orgasm. We get to a point, where we realize as I have, that we are a mess and that maybe love is beyond us. That maybe we had our chance and it passed us by.

But then, out of nowhere, someone comes along. And everything changes.

I meet Parker at the Kroger on Moreland. He was cute and intelligent and nineteen. Surely nothing could come of that save for one great orgasm. Right? Right. Right?

Rewind- How Many Times Must I say Goodbye (March 2007)

Joseph. Joey. Joe. Best friend, ex-lover, roommate. It is hard to describe him accurately. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. He could be a model if he could focus on one thing. He was in a porn film, so I guess that kind of represents a focus on something. I love Joe and I hope that he remains in my life, but as this month came to an end, I made a decision that he could no longer remain in my home.

From inconsistencies with rent and lovers, cars and jobs, I decided that whatever is going on in his life could prove detrimental to me.

Self-destructive people will destroy not only themselves, but those around them also.

No only did Joe leave, but Chris is also gone. His internship has come to an end and he returned to Alabama. He has a semester left and will return in August. But until then, its just me and Aaron.

The Dreaded Test

For every gay man, an HIV test is mandatory every six months. Today, I had an HIV antibody test. For me, as is the case for most, this experience was not anticipated. Instead, it was dreaded… deeply.

I have never had unprotected anal sex, but like many gay men, I have engaged in unprotected oral sex.

Whenever the test is administered, a fear swells within me that almost dissuades my decision to go through with the test but I know that it is better to know than to not know.

The reality exists that HIV infection is ravaging the gay and black communities at a rapid, unparalleled rate.

Every time I am intimate with a man, I assume that that man is indeed HIV positive. I am often accused of being overly negative and of being a fatalist, but for me and my life, this attitude has helped me through many difficult situations. Hoping for the best, but expecting the worse has lead to few disappointments.

The result came back negative, but I know that this process will occur again in six months. And I am certain that no unprotected sex will occur between now and then. With the way things are going now, it is very possible that no sex will occur at all. But I will still be fearful. I will still dread the test and wait in anticipation of the results.